I am not one that celebrates "days" regardless of what the "day" is. I have never been one that remembered "days' nor do I expect gifts or acknowledgement simply because of a "day". I am awesome every day and I don't feel that appreciation of my awesomeness should be limited to one "day". However, there are a few days that make me catch my breath, and this past Sunday was one of those. It is a great reminder of why the dull ache sits in my chest. It makes it hard to swallow the guilt and regret that I have.
It reminds me of just how much I have lost and how I will never be able to get those lost things back. They have been captured by time and no amount of sorry and if only will bring them back to me. They are simply gone.
There isn't a moment that goes by where I don't think of my children. In my mind's eye, they are still the little angels I saw looking back at me from the rear window of the car as I stood in the motel parking lot. That image of two little hands waving good bye haunts me. I don't know if I will ever get the chance to make amends. I hope and pray that some day I do. That someday new memories will replace the years of emptiness, but that hope does little to ease the ache and longing of my heart. Even though there were a great many events which lead to this separation, I blame no one and no thing except myself. It would be easy to blame my bipolar and say I had no responsibility for my actions, but that isn't true. While it might make it easier to accept and understand my actions, it does not excuse me from the consequences.
I waited to write about this because I didn't want to take anything away from any one on that "day", but I know I am not alone. I know I am not the only mother without her child(ren). I know there are many others like me who feel joy for those mothers who can hug their children and at the same time feel the ache of empty arms. That is why I wanted to share this. For them. For the silent voices that are unable to express the pain of their decisions and maybe give a bit of understanding to those effected by those very same decisions.