If they made a soap opera of my life, it would be called As the Pendulum Swings. I often feel like my emotions and moods are attached to some invisible pendulum. Swinging back and forth from one extreme to the other. One day I am in such emotional pain that I want nothing more than to cut my heart from my chest in the hopes of finding just a little bit of relief. Then the next day I will be so elated and ecstatic that I am like a little puppy all excited to see you after you have been gone all day and I immediately start humping your leg. There is no balance. Very rarely am I ever in the middle. When I am it is only due to extreme effort on my part, but then I am so tired from having fought my way there that I loosen my grip on the pendulum and it immediately begins to swing.
I so don't want to offend anyone or push them away. I do this. I know I do this. This is also part of the reason I don't let people get close because I get clingy. Overbearing. I am opinionated. I often say whatever thought comes into my mind. Regardless if it should be said or not. While my intentions are always well meaning, my actions often seem cold and vindictive. I am also so starved of affection. So wanting that whenever anyone shows me the least bit of attention, kindness, interest, I jump on them like a rabid animal. Often it is overwhelming and they run away. Then I am left wondering what did I do? Why did they leave?
I know that I will have to be super aware of my emotions. Constantly on guard. If I am not, then the pendulum will never stop swinging. When I started this blog, I was at the point where either I blogged or I totally lost it. I needed to purge myself of that darkness that was within me. So I started this blog. I wrote and wrote and wrote. Some of the posts I wrote have published. Others are just sitting as a draft waiting for the day when it will be their time to be told.
One thing that has been a major help to me is when I first began writing all of these posts that were filled with raw emotion, I would set them to automatically publish at different intervals. Being able to read that raw emotion with a clear mind. Being able to see exactly what I was feeling at that moment because when I am in that darkness I have no idea what is happening. It is like being caught in a tornado. Getting tossed here and there and when it is all over you're not really sure what just happened or how you survived. You just pick yourself up from the spot where the tornado spit you out and go on from there.
One thing that has been a major help to me is when I first began writing all of these posts that were filled with raw emotion, I would set them to automatically publish at different intervals. Being able to read that raw emotion with a clear mind. Being able to see exactly what I was feeling at that moment because when I am in that darkness I have no idea what is happening. It is like being caught in a tornado. Getting tossed here and there and when it is all over you're not really sure what just happened or how you survived. You just pick yourself up from the spot where the tornado spit you out and go on from there.
I can feel the pendulum slowing down. It is almost still. Maybe one day it will finally stop.
