What is your fear?

After the events of the last few days and thanks to the most amazing, wonderfully, awesome person that I met through blogging Deux Ex Machina who has been helping me behind the scenes, I thought that I would change the focus of my blog a bit. While it is still all about my journey, I have decided to be more open and more forthcoming. To not be afraid to say the things that I want to say. To also be more honest about my life. I also want this to be a journal of sorts that one day I will be able to show my children. A way for them to get to know me and maybe a way for them to gain an understanding of why I did the things I did, but mostly just so they know I never forgot them and I always loved them.

 I live with bipolar. I will never be "better". While some days will be "better" than others, I will never be "cured". This is my journey through the darkness into the light. I hope you enjoy the ride.

So this will be my first post with all of its brutal honesty. If you are easily offended, then I would suggest you stop reading here:

I have lived my whole life in fear. Afraid of what people would think about me. Afraid of being yelled at. Afraid of losing that connection. Afraid of being alone but also afraid of being with people. I made decisions about my life based on fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of acceptance. Illogical irrational fear.

So from this day forward, I will not be afraid. I will no longer allow the oppressors of my past to control my future. I will no longer give others the reigns of my life. I will decide where my path takes me. I will stumble. I will fall, but I will get back up and I will go on.

So to my father who abused me in every way imagineable

to my mother who abandoned me

to all of those people who wondered but didn't ask

to all of those who knew but did nothing

to all of those who did things to me that should never be done to another human being

I say to all of you

F.U.C.K Y.O.U. !!!!!

Your hold over me is broken.