I never can quite figure out which he is. At times he has given me the strength to move mountains, the courage to go to far off places, but there are other times where he stops me in my tracks. Immobilizes me. I become paralysed unable to move. Unable to breathe.
Fear is a fickle friend. Fear led me to start this blog and to meeting amazing people like Deus and Ratz, but now that he sees me getting a bit comfortable. Settling in. He knows he must do something or else he will lose his hold over me. If I get too comfortable, too complacent, then he will lose his power over me.
So he picks me up like a tidal wide picks up a surfer and carries me so high that I feel like I am soaring. I can see the whole earth beneath me. I feel glorious. Then without warning, he tosses me up and spits me out onto the wet sand. Exposed. Naked. All eyes upon me.
I start to question why I left the protectiveness of my dark corner. Why did I come to this place of light where everyone can see me? See all of my imperfections? All of my insecurities?
That is where I am now. I am exposed. Ordinarily at this moment, I would run back to my dark corner. Squeeze myself into a tight little ball. Become as small as I possibly could. Make myself invisible again. Then fear would still own me. Still control me.
A never ending cycle. But not this time. Even though my heart pounds inside my chest and the voices scream inside my head. Even though I am exposed. I will not run back to my corner. I will not allow this numbness that is creeping inside of me to consume me.
I will breathe. I will continue to push myself because I have seen the light. I have felt its warm embrace. So different from your coldness. While I stand here exposed, feeling hollow and numb, I will keep standing here. Because this is where light lives. I have lost so much in my life. You have taken so much from me. I won't let you take this.