This was for a writing prompt for Remembe(RED) at TRDC. The prompt was forgiveness. I know this seems like it has nothing to do with forgiveness, but it is how I felt once I had reached the place of forgiving myself for my past.
“Where do I go from here?”
I had been asking myself that question for days. After 20 years of imploding and exploding, I had finally managed to tame the raging beast that lived within me, but now that it was tamed I had no idea what to do. I had no idea who I was. I had spent the last 20 years attempting to tame this wildly savage animal. That was my identity. It was what I did. It gave me purpose. It was my reason for existing, but now what was my purpose?
I was ecstatic to have finally conquered my demons, but a part of me missed them. While at times they nearly destroyed me, they also gave me courage and inner strength. They made me push through the fear. Now without them, I would have to push myself. That thought alone terrified me.
There I stood. Suspended in time. Afraid to move forward, but even more afraid of going back. I missed the beast, but I feared him even more. Feared what I would do if he remembered he was a wild animal and not the docile creature laying at my feet. Every now and then I would see him stirring in his sleep. During those moments, I would hold my breath. Afraid the sound of my breathing would awaken him from his deep slumber.
I had to make a decision and soon. I couldn’t stand there forever. It was only a matter of time before the beast would remember his wildness. I had to be prepared when that time came.
Suddenly, I had a new purpose. A new identity. I knew which way to go. I started packing my things. I had made a decision. I had to move quickly before I changed my mind. I feared waking the doubt as much as I feared waking the beast. If doubt came, then all would be lost. I would be forever trapped in this limbo.
Taking one last look around, making sure I had packed all I would need for the journey ahead, I turned off the light and closed the door. As soon as I stepped out of limbo, I could feel the warmth of the sun upon my face. A new day had just begun. I stood there for a moment, taking it all in. I closed my eyes and turned my face upwards. I was standing there exposed, naked, for the entire world to see, but I didn’t care. I loved the warmth of the sun, the way the breeze tossed my hair in my face. I loved the coolness of its touch on my body. I could feel its hand running all over me.
Breathing the morning air deep into my lungs, I forced my legs forward. As much as I wanted to stay there, I had to put some distance between me and the beast. If I was going to be the keeper of the beast, then I needed to learn how, and there was only one person that could teach me. That person was me.