Today I received a very unexpected email. I guess right as I started this blog I also joined a forum for people with Bipolar. I didn't make any introductory posts or anything. I just made a post asking one question. Lots of people replied with very helpful suggestions. The one suggestion I kept getting over and over was to journal write, but that wasn't really going to cut it for me. Instead I ended up here blogging. I think I replied and thanked the people for their suggestions maybe, but other than that I didn't make any more posts and didn't talk to anyone on the forum.
I never really thought about it because I was just one person, one post. I wouldn't be missed. No one would notice I wasn't there. Then today I got an email from one of the administrators. He just wanted to check if I was ok. If I needed anything. It wasn't one of pregenerated emails. It was personal. Hand written or typed in this instance.
It really made me stop for a moment and think how when you live with bipolar, it's like being a horse wearing blinders. Your vision is so limited. You're in a constant state of flight or fight. Moving from one crisis to the next. Unless you're medicated and have a good therapist and a support network. Without these things you will never ever move out of this flight or fight survival mode. I have been in survival mode for 30+ years.
It made me wonder how many others along the way I hadn't noticed. How many others had possibly extended a helping hand, but I was so intent on getting out of the burning fire that I never even noticed the fireman that had come to save me. I wasn't worth saving so it never occurred to me that someone would even try. So I never bothered to look for help because I honestly didn't even know there was help for me. I was crazy, worthless, unwanted, unloved, trash, whore, slut. This is what I saw when I looked in the mirror. Well on the rare occassions I looked in the mirror.
It scares me looking back at my life to think of all of the extremely dangerous situations I have put myself in. While I do have consequences, reality is the consequences could have been far greater than what they actually turned out to be. I definitely have had someone looking over me all of these years. Even if I never noticed. It's a strang new world I find myself in. I am not quite sure how to navigate it.
While my life will always be a struggle, I will never be able to "relax". I will always have to be aware. The same way a diabetic always has to be aware. No one ever explained it to me like that before, but this is the reality of Bipolar.
I also realize I have been given a very unique opportunity. I am so many non stereotypical things, but for all of my oddities, I have been given the gift of voice.
Strange how all of that came from one little email.